Saving a 92 year old woman’s life. And feeling used by an ex-girlfriend(’s family)

This is a story I may have touched upon before in a blog post. I cannot remember, either way, I’ve told the story way fewer times than it deserves.

This is the story of the time I saved the life of a 92-year-old lady. She was the great-aunt of my then-girlfriend.  I’d never met her before. The location of this event was Princeton, New Jersey, in a beautiful house. It had interesting windows that overlooked the water, amazing furniture, and just seemed architecturally brilliant and furnished only with priceless antiques. Museum piece status. Not some junk you’d find in a plebians thrift store. Really aristocratic-looking shit. The occasion was that I was to film a recorded oral history of her grandpa and great aunt. ,

You see my mother and  I do these absolutely extraordinary oral histories. She is a tenacious scholar and studies the field deeply and the degree to which she’s well-read and intellectually curious makes her a monster at this. So. we put together some amazing oral histories and turn them into beautiful narrative-style books. They are well designed and writing-wise; impeccably crafted. This caught the attention of my white girlfriend’s family.

I say this part because it’s very relevant. These people weren’t just white they were white wasp caricatures. Wasps are White  Anglo Saxon Protestants for those of you who do not know. If you’re offended by this. Lol. 

Initially, her mom inquired about the process of having my mom and I do it as a proper and published project. But when she realized the scope time, investment (MONEY! )it would entail to do it properly… she switched her mission to just having my girlfriend ask some questions and having me film it.

They were a really nice family but super aloof in a distant way. They were very stoic to the point of seeming emotionally stunted and or very cold. But there was definitely a friendliness to them. They were nice people, pretty fun too, active. But coming from such an Arab/ middle eastern background, the lack of warmth and overly stoic nature of their emotional spectrum could be at times bewildering or jarring.

So on this day, I was there to help document the oral history of the great aunt, as well as my girlfriend’s grandfather, who was awesome. Anyways, we started out by having lunch. I wish we hadn’t.  The view, house, and food were beautiful and delicious. Yes, The view and house were delicious as well. 

Partially into the meal, the 92-year-old started to choke in absolute slow motion.

She simply began choking, and there was a huge time period where everyone started to look around at the cast of characters.

I look to my girlfriend’s grandpa. Nah probably not best for an 80 something to jump into action. Then I look over at my way less strong than me  . girlfriend and realize in horror. I am going to be the reason this lady dies.

The degree of utter calm and silence that went on during this moment was amazing. There was not one sound. I believe the grandpa calmly said, “Oh I think she’s choking.” The woman herself sat there with remarkable poise.  She didn’t move. She just put her fork down gently on her plate. I’m probably making this part up, but I remember her putting the silverware down, neatly, quietly, and precisely.

So there I am, I reluctantly leap to my feet, pretending like I hadn’t been waiting for this to be done by someone else. I then tap into two things. 1) The poster in my health class during 8th grade that described how to do the Heimlich maneuver and 2) Mrs. Doubtfire

. I remember that you’re supposed to push in and up. I was so scared to break this lady. I was also scared to be so fragile with her that I’d let her die. So in the end, it took about 3-4 pumps, and shockingly, the piece of food flew out of her mouth.

It honestly looked exactly like the moment in Mrs. Doubtfire. Disgustingly, after this happened, everyone just sat down and started eating again. Almost no emotional uptick occurred. There were some modest expressions of gratitude. In Egypt, I’d have been blown. Right then and there. Nah just kidding blowjobs are illegal in Egypt. No just kidding they're not if they’re between straight people.

LIterally, everything should have been canceled. Watching her eat was torture after that. Chew your food, I thought, completely unaware of anything else going on. Also, after seeing a partially digested segment of your meal hurl across the table, the appetite can suffer. Anyways, we finished this meal and it was on the interviews. They went well.

A short time after that, due to reasons I attribute 98% to myself, I was promptly dumped. This was a lady who I’d lived with for 5 years, virtually since the day we met. She dumped me, and I deserved it. There were a few weeks where I felt this was unjust, and it was tremendously sad by all accounts, but unjust it was not! I deserved it, and she deserved better. She dodged a bullet and I didn’t know at the time but so did I.

I missed her every single day I cried for 109 days in a row. I took photos and videos almost every single time. One day my phone rang and I heard from her. It was a call she made expressing to me some stuff

. It was our first talk in a long time. I’d not been on her social media page or anything at all. Extreme discipline. I still haven’t. I check it out for some weeks after the fact, but it’s been more than 5.5 years since I clicked on any of that stuff. I could tell from her voice instantly that there was a serious romantic person in her life. We spoke for a little and then she said… hey… do you think you could send me that Oral history we did of Papou?

And like a stupid idiot, I said. Of course right away!

She started crying, and when I asked why she said: “You’re being so nice to me”. Of course, I was, and would again, every time. I still love this lady with such relentless vigor. I do not want to be with her anymore. She is married. I don’t desire her like that. Though she’s hot af to me still and I’d still try and seduce, as I told her. But truly, I don’t care like that anymore. She’s so meaningful to me because she, more than anyone else, helped me be comfortable in my own skin. I believe this to be my superpower, but it needs to be honed to the appropriate degree.

It soon became clear that the originator of the idea for this call was her mother. She wanted to grab that oral history footage I had before her daughter and new boyfriend got so serious I’d not want to send it.

Firstly, I’d never withhold such a thing, out of my generosity of spirit, grace, and sheer naivety. But today, I would be lying if I said, that it didn’t piss me off to no end that this super-wealthy white woman was knowingly calculating such a painful call without.

Business douche me thinks I should have charged 5000 dollars for the raw footage. What’re you gonna do? Film it again? Let him die?
The generosity of spirit aspect of me. Thinks for sure I did the right thing. I know I did. But maybe it’s dumb to have not

On a similar note, in order to work on my portfolio, I took wedding photos of a particularly spoiled and decadent cousin of hers. One who “shuddered at the idea” that her wedding guests would be informed that her mother paid to have the carbon of her destination wedding offset through the planting of trees. This was an expense she added on generously in addition to fronting the cost for the whole wedding. Which took place on a LITERAL plantation. DISGUSTING. As I said, I dodged a bullet. Not sour grapes status,i was crushed, for 4 years afterward, easily. But in retrospect, from where I am now. Phew. So decadent destination wedding at Henry Ford’s plantation, flaunt and publicize. Paying to offset carbon emissions, hide and recoil. Presumably, because the climate-denying wealthy republican douches invited to this wedding, don’t want to be reminded of the damage they’re in denial about. I’m not even saying don’t fly here. Just don’t be negative towards positive steps.

(PS the effectiveness of the carbon emissions neutralizing move she did, is definitely just like feel-good stuff to a huge extent and doesn’t fully mitigate no matter what, but the principle here stands)

This aunt who offset the carbon emissions was the most interesting member of the family, and she was treated like shit by everyone. Particularly by her own immediate family as well. She was the dominant breadwinner. This wasn’t a coincidence. The husband and son alpha male insecurity was strong with this one. She was intimidatingly smart to members of her family as well.

Why do I pettily mention this wedding now? I’ll tell you why! Because during the wedding, the bride, in the midst of her “big night” post-ceremony celebration. Saw me taking really nice pictures and casually put a dagger in my heart by saying “I’m not signing any release forms for those pictures.” Wow., unreal. The honeymoon phase of marriage I’d heard so much really felt as magical as I’d heard in person.

I found this to be tremendously inelegant. It meant so much to me to get good wedding photos for my photography portfolio. The family knew the general nature of my aspirations in this direction as well. It was just brutal, callous, needless, and oh so waspy. First of all, what an inflated sense of self, that anyone would care about the copyright of these photos. What’re you gonna do? Send me a cease and desist about a thumbnail photo on a low-budget website trying to garner videography clients. Lol.!

As a Matter of fact… I’m fucking posting it. Sue me. I want to read the letter from the lawyer.

To humanize things, yet cast them as ugly as they are, maybe it had to do with the brutally superficial way through which she was judged. Perhaps not having control over her image and how it was released would render her “ugly” in photos. So giving me that would symbolize her image being out of her control.

Entirely plausible. She had partaken in tremendously unhealthy crash “fad diets” prior to the wedding. I have extreme sympathy for these kinds of behaviors that are disproportionately imposed upon women by society.

But I will remark that these values are reiterated by the family. They are subtly peppered throughout the structure of this family and how it operates.

So yes, I’m here to point out the contrast between this behavior and mine.

I am the villain of this particular relationship. While I am so so proud of aspects of my love and life with this ex. I am not proud of how I was as a whole. At all. It was my fault the way things ended. For sure. But I will say. I am happy with the way I have conducted myself during these matters.

Villian is way too oversimplified a word in general let alone in this context, but if SOMEONE were to be the villain, it was me.

THE CONTRAST

Scenario 1

I gave the ex-girlfriend footage that I wasn’t paid for, of her great Aunt and grandpa’s oral histories, that I filmed for free. After saving the great-aunt’s life. Got dumped. Still shared. Wouldn’t have dreamed of using it as leverage or a negotiation tactic.

VS.

Scenario 2

During our relationship. at the “peak moment of joy “ in her cousin’s life. Being nastily told, with no strategic tact to soften the blow,

I can’t post pictures I was mostly taking out of the generosity of spirit and a desire to show talent and enthusiasm to their family. (her cousin the bride said this not her) . Meanwhile, every fucking joe shmo at the wedding was encouraged to use their trendy punny hashtag on as many images as possible. Algorithmic relevancy people

In the end:

I shared all the photos and videos with the recently married couple despite the disgusting comment. . Because I seek to be a class act. It’s a work in progress. Step one don’t call yourself that. Got it.

Hey if any of you are reading this. You can still Venmo me ya cheap rich fucks, lol.

ps my ex- girlfriend’s father, despite his old-fashioned ways, and even prejudiced viewpoints was an absolute mensch. Who challenged himself and was very emotionally generous. He even offered to buy me a video camera while we were dating. An offer I refused because I was concerned he had underestimated the price of the camera I hoped to purchase. He was different because he was a corporate workhorse who spent an ungodly amount of time working for his family. I always got the sense there was some deeply instilled class tension driving his tenacity, given his wife’s wealth. I really love this guy. He challenged himself in remarkable ways that made him seem aggressive, but he was cutting away at myths and unlearning damaging components.

In addition, I really like lots of other members of her family. There are wonderful people everywhere.

I will definitely write about this wonderful lady (my ex-girlfriend) through an exclusively adoring light come very soon. I have nothing but love for all my exes. Not seeing wrongs or injustices, doesn’t mean having anything other than love. I love and respect myself and if I didn’t, my love for others would be meaningless. It is through this complex, non-rose-colored glasses retrospect, that I love.

I didn’t know that this post would be like this. I don’t mean to sound petty, though I probably do at points. I have no anger and called this girlfriend to congratulate her on her marriage this summer. It was an iconic and important call for me, I am truly happy for her and want nothing but love and success in her life! She’s great and I wouldn’t be half the man I am today with her influence. Aside from my mother, there is only one person I attribute more to who I am than her. Since I’m quite proud of who I am, I can never regret that! I only regret things I did to make her life less pleasant than ideal, but I have no regrets. Only lessons learned.
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Thank you for reading, and again, if I seem like a petty bitch 1) I prob am 2) Please read my Valentine’s day Love poem to all my exes!!!! Dropping this Valentine’s day. The section on this lady will be the longest and most plentiful! I really appreciate your support and readership, he types to nobody like a lunatic.