Needing a Public Bathroom
I drink a lot of water every day. Probably between 5-7 liters. So I end up having to go to the bathroom a lot, which I'm sure to make sure I do before I leave for a destination. It's rough to have to be in transit and fighting the urge to go to the bathroom. So one day I'm returning an item to a store and on the way back to the subway, I realize I already have a bathroom emergency on hand. It's pretty early and I was in a very commercial part of Manhattan. It didn't have small coffee shops, all the businesses were big chain brands. It was very early in the morning. I look at my options and AMC movie theater was the nearest to me. Oh! I'll just use their bathroom. They definitely have one as bathrooms are a major part of every movie theater experience. Where else would I suddenly need to go during the climax of the movie I'd paid 20 dollars to watch? I've actually only ever had to leave to go to the bathroom during a movie twice. Once, during Titanic, which to be fair, was long and was when I was very young. I was so upset to be going. I remember sprinting there and back, and I couldn't wait to get back, when I returned it was absolutely majestic. Anyway, yeah, they had bathrooms. So I go to talk to the lady.
"Hey, can I use your restroom just for a second?" I ask. "I'm sorry, you need a ticket to use the bathroom," she responds. "Sorry, there's a bathroom in Five Guys and Chipotle." "Oh great, thanks a lot," I respond.
Those were very close. I walk out the door and the neighboring store was Five Guys. Closed. Chipotle, the other neighboring store, closed. Ok. So I head back to AMC.
"They're closed," I say. "C'mon, let me just use the bathroom." "No, I'm sorry. Not unless you have a ticket," she says. "I'll let you hold my phone," I offer. "No, we can't do that here," she responds. "You say that like someone has ever asked you before." "Fine, I'll let you hold it while it's unlocked. Snoop around, do whatever."
She laughs. "Deal."
Wow, I can't believe that worked, I say out loud as I'm sprinting up the escalators to the bathroom. What followed was the second most glorious piss of my life*. Wow. Then I started to think about my phone and all the contents on it. Ehh, who cares? What's she gonna do, see some sexts? My penis? Enjoy. So I ended up staying up there and watching the new A24 movie Civil War. I mean, fuck her. What was she gonna do? Steal my phone? She was on shift, it was 10:06 baby, she wasn't going anywhere to steal a lightly cracked iPhone 12 Max Pro. Not give it back? I would love for that to escalate to the managerial level even more than I'd even like to get my phone back. "Oh yes sir, I had your employee hold my phone as a barter to go to the bathroom as an unticketed guest. Initially, she refused until I provided her with the credentials required to peruse my private contents at her heart's content." So I stay and watch The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare as well. Which I did not enjoy as much as Civil War, which was chilling. Anyway, I go back down. My phone is just on the podium and she's nowhere to be found. I pick it up, and ride the subway home. Ok, I actually made all that up. I never went back to AMC. But every time I have a scenario that I imagine and would like to wreak havoc with, if I do not do the scenario, I will create content out of the scenario. Anyway, I'd like to segue into a serious point. Also, there should be public bathrooms. It's honestly bullshit. We don't provide the public with anything of value because god forbid homeless people would be comfortable. If we spent money on making our cities in America beautiful accessible comfortable inviting places to be, that would leave slightly less money for unjust horrific wars. In France, they had little booths you could put coins into and they were like fancy porto-potties. That was cool. In New York City, it's kind of difficult in some areas to find a restroom. Bars and restaurants usually will be fine with it, even if there is signage that says customers only for restrooms. Those signs are most often just a legal way of saying don't use our bathroom if you're homeless. So even I'll always try those places, with no intention of buying anything. I'll go with one of two scenarios. The first is the inquisitive diner and the second is the look at me I'm not homeless move. I've provided a video of each for your enjoyment below.
*I will write about the number one most glorious piss of my life in an upcoming blog post. It will be an exclusively true story.
The “Inquisitive Diner” Method.
The “I’m not homeless” Method.