The craziest “RIDE SHARING APP” Ride of my life (to the airport)

ALL STORIES DEPICTED, NO MATTER HOW FACTUAL THEY MAY BE, ARE ABSOLUTELY FICTIOUS! WINK THANK YOU SOUTH PARK

OK so here’s a true story. ! Don’t listen to that warning up there.

We always warn me to leave early because I’m recklessly last minute to an absolutely stupid degree.

We are kind of opposites. My mom is overly anxious to leave because of her natural tendency to lean towards late like me. Therefore she has overcorrected. So naturally, airport trips would be problematic, with her trying to stay on the earlier side of 3 hours, for a domestic flight. I kid, a little.

Anyways this particular trip I was leaving for a solo mission. It was also an extremely early flight, take off was 7 am, boarding was from 625-645 am. I have a bag to check, which I haven’t checked yet online. Given the exploitative nature of airlines nowadays, every bag is charged, so there is a process as well as an added fee that accompanies my last-minute decision to spill into a checked bag.

Carrying on everything is absolutely the move. This time I was unable to pull it off. “Meet the Parents” exemplifies that better than any other thing I can think of. Dude’s life was destroyed because he couldn’t carry on.

Anyways, this non-checked bag created a need for me to be extra early.

Insert Uber/ Lyft/ VIA/ ETC for every time it says RIDESHARING APP. This is to protect their identity but I also Like that I’m not advertising in a way that’s so subconsciously successful.

Enter The craziest RIDE SHARING APP driver I’ve ever encountered, and perhaps the craziest RIDE SHARING APP ride of my life ... which definitely has some competition as my energy has the tendency to put lunatics at ease. As soon as I enter the car I acknowledge the aggressive marijuana stench that walked in with me.

“Hey I wreak of weed, but I don’t have anything on me, we’re going to the airport... I tell him.”. I don’t give a shit man... I got some spray for you.” He says. “No, I don’t want it” I reply. He now had a blank check to be crazy. And he wrote himself a very fat check.

I Explain to him the time situation as well as my schedule. Usually, my lateness is due to a lack of preparation, not this time, this time I was unable to get a RIDE SHARING APP driver to my house for the longest time! It took me over an hour! There was a glitch that created a perfect storm of misinformation as well.

He assures me. “We got this.” No worries.
At that point the Eta is 548 arrival at the airport boarding is from 625-645. This is a narrow window.

He knows I’m in a rush due to the RIDE SHARING APP glitch.

The driver misses the very first turn. We were going straight, and in a non-pressure situation, with an hour left on the trip, he misses the very first turn. Instead of whipping a quick U-turn. it adds 3 minutes, at that point, we had a buffer of 11 minutes . Down to 8, mere minutes into the ride.

Ok... I’m comfortable though with a diminished buffer. We are still good.

So I love talking to RIDE SHARING APP drivers. This morning I wasn’t really feeling it. I mentally decided I’d not talk much.

This was no option. First of all this guy was loony. Insane. He was telling me so many amazing stories. He had no shortage of exciting and laughable bits. Soon it became clear that he was the crazier one in the car, a situation I don’t encounter too often!

The guy is telling crazy stories that turn into mildly dangerous stories.

He takes a slow way and is driving extremely slow in a way where he’s enjoying the convo, just chilling. I recognize this from when my mom is enjoying my conversation and doesn’t want the ride to end. She’ll do 18 in a 25.

So I’m in a huge rush and He is doing below the speed limit at all times. At one point I mention, hey can you do the speed limit and he responds telling me if you get pulled over it’s over. He is right, but he won’t get pulled over for doing more than 5-7 below the speed limit.

Later he describes a car accident and getting out and beating the shit out the guy.

He then starts talking about a girl with a crazy knife story ...He tells me this accident he was in three weeks ago.

I’m getting really excited because I can see that he has an audio and video recording of the whole ride. Yo! Are you recording all this? I say to him? He says yes! I get excited because I’m a content whore. I know that this ride is just getting started in terms of its crazy level. I can feel myself egging the guy on.

He continues telling me stories that involve crazy components and he also is starting to drive a little crazy.

I feel safe the whole entire time.

This was an energy I was familiar with, I don’t know where I encountered it before. But I’d been with someone like this. Completely reckless, but I felt so safe. I used to say Egypt was so chaotic and dangerous that it feels safe. And this was kind of like that.

At one point, my favorite point in the ride, my driver started showing me photos of the aforementioned car accident, while driving on the highway. It was incredible.

At this point, I’m whipping out my phone and trying to subtly record. This is fucking gold, I’m not even mad or worried, I just want this documented. This is amazing,

I rest assured because the whole ride is on video.

However, I see the driver see me and pull back on his showing me his latest car crash. This creates a small worry in me that this guy not gonna give me this footage .

I ask him, dude we gotta do something with this conversation, he evaded my question a little bit. But I know I’m gonna get him ...

Flash forward a bit later, we’ve Made several wrong turns. Almost every turn was missed or made incorrectly.

The time is tight tight tight. I download the JetBlue app. I have to check-in while in the vehicle. The arrival time is dangerously close to the boarding window, and I have that unchecked bag. You can also check a bag in the app. The latest you can check a bag on the app is 45 minutes before takeoff. I am fumbling for my new debit card because the last one had to be canceled automatically. I don’t know my new number by heart. it’s deep in the bag, it’s 46 minutes before takeoff. I literally get it done at the very last minute. Kobe!

Regarding the aforementioned speeding. Hilariously, Waze Informed us cops were ahead, at this point we are going slowly. As soon as the cop icon is near us on the app. he hit 83 miles in a 55, accelerating exclusively after hearing cops were ahead! The highest speed achieved and the greatest level of urgency exhibited, was when our app informed us a cop was there.

Luckily we didn’t get pulled over and I saw no cop.

We are at the airport still in the car. The terminal is a terribly designed maze with bad signage. That being said, I can’t believe what’s happening.

My driver is going the wrong way the whole time, every turn, and acting like it’s some weird glitch. The time jumps from 3 minutes to 9. He speeds incredibly to make up for the errors. We can’t avoid a massive detour. He misses the turn again.

Then when we have ZERO time to waste, we arrive at a sign that says Newark airport LEFT <——- NY THRUWAY right ———> t. He literally gets on the NY thruway!
Dude what?

Realizing what had happened he immediately says “Oh you’re fucked”.

I’m now mentally accounting for the difference between my now, absolutely free RIDE SHARING APP ride and the cost of buying a new plane ticket. Despite this fact and being so bewilderingly confused and in awe of what had happened. I couldn’t help remark at his exceptional comedic delivery. It was absolutely impeachable.

I’ve made a YouTube video of me doing an impression of this moment. A+ comedic delivery,

He literally goes “oh you’re fucked “ LOL!

Anyways, we’re still speeding towards the airport. 13 minutes have been added. He’s now telling me to have my documentation out, license out, you gotta be prepared he correctly and “on-pointly” barks, haha.

We somehow arrive at the airport. We exchange info and I urge him to send me the video so I can make it into something. He says HELL YEAH at this point, the momentum, and energy of this ride, completely undeniable. We arrive at the airport and the time is 626 boardings started 1 minute ago!

I arrive and am running immediately I run to the front desk and there is no line and say “I need to check this bag. for the 702 am flight”

The lady working at the airline says “ Oh it’s over with her face,” “ I checked it in on the app” I exclaim “you did!?” She responds in shock.

“Yes!” “Check it at the gate! “ she yells towards my already running body. Again My arrival time at the airport was 626 boarding started at 625.

I’m sprinting through the airport with my luggage. I would love to content whore film my sweating frantic self missing or making the plane. Either way, great content, but I was running so late I couldn’t even film that.
I arrive at the line and my row had already boarded, so I walked on the plane immediately. I didn’t get my stupid doing yoga at the airport shots though. But it was a delightful ride. I sat down and I immediately texted the craziest driver I’d ever encountered. Here is a transcript of our texts. He has since backtracked on his willingness to upload the content and give it to me. I’m still convincing him. he’s going to be the first person I send this blog post to . I’m hoping I can get it. Maybe a podcast appearance or something. I’m gonna make something happen.

Now…Imagine I’d been 3 hours early!

Check out these text threads and the video on my doing an impression of him. I inserted One decoy image so the thumbnail link wasn’t a spoiler.

Message 1. Sent to driver just after Boarding. The video is incredible. it is on the very bottom!

Message 2 Sent After Boarding with the bottom portion coming about 9 days later.

This was the third message. I sent him this 16 days after the last. 7 days ago. I am now about to send him the link to this article. I will update accordingly if it’s worthwhile Otherwise, we done here. and if its you….. (YO LEMME GET THAT VIDEO!?)

PS THE FLIGHT.

I got on the plane. Asleep before takeoff, asleep through landing. The lovely ladies next to me said “What a quick short flight.” and I said “What flight” They laughed at my corny stupid joke. It’s all i said the whole flight 1/1. I haven’t spoken since. *

AFTERMATH, POST FLIGHT, MY FRIEND

Post-flight, my friend and I discussed this story. He told me that this guy’s energy reminded him of Ted Pizza, a legend, who he had never met! He had only heard stories of him. He was absolutely correct. I will be writing about Ted Pizza soon! This guy had Ted Pizza energy for sure. I’m excited to write about that legend as well.

* (least believeable lie ever)

Thanks for reading ya’ll!