Telegram a privacy app
Ever since Edward Snowden came on the scene with NSA revelations, people have been more aware of data storage spying and the issues associated with Internet privacy. Encryption seems to be a weird concept, but security experts say it has value. Of course, it’s not impossible to hack, but encrypting things makes it a lot more likely that your data will remain private and won't be easily hacked.
Many apps gained popularity through the promise of privacy, with Telegram being a big one. I first came across Telegram when my marijuana dealer asked me to download it; back in the day, his profession was very dangerous. In fact, sidebar, this particular guy once had a SWAT team break into his home with machine guns drawn. He told me the gun model, but I don’t remember; it was intense, though. Anyways, I downloaded Telegram as a result of this request and wanting to keep communications private, which obviously makes all the sense in the world.
Signal is now apparently the only really secure messaging app. A lot of these apps give us a false sense of security. Snapchat makes people feel like they can sext with no consequences because they're alerted if screenshots are shared of their disappearing messages. However, this doesn’t prevent screenshots from being taken; it only informs the user that it's been done, so they can just power through. Also, that says nothing about using another camera or another phone to capture this forbidden image/content.
Anyways, in order to accentuate and point out the degree to which privacy apps are no longer dependable, this is my opening message I send to all Telegram users. Because Telegram does, in fact, make this insane error of publicizing your presence on an app you downloaded for privacy. For this reason, I message everyone this:
Use Signal, but just assume everything you look at or say is viewable.
Spilled Water Broken Glass
You know that feeling of television cringe? When there's a brand of TV that's just humiliation cringe. You may best recognize it from shows like The Office or British humor—Meet the Parents was one of those kinds of comedies too, where things just kept going wrong and the awkward moments people had to live through.
This story from my life embodies that essence, albeit not exactly the same. It's one of those tales that are excellent in retrospect and only in retrospect.
So, many years ago, when I was relatively new to hot yoga but had started to become a regular, my practice was intense. I practiced daily, regularly, and with fervor. I had just begun Bikram yoga, which is not only hot yoga but performed at 106 degrees with pumped-in humidity, making the conditions brutally difficult.
The amount I was sweating during each class started to seem remarkable to me. I would finish class, run to the locker room with my towel, and wring it out with puddles of sweat hitting the shower floor. Of course, I'd capture all this on my phone in an attempt to create content—designed to show the viewer the unfathomable amount of work I had just put in. I remember one friend responded to my graphic display of sweat boasting by saying it was 'Fake.' To me, this was akin to being accused of using steroids when you aren't.
I also love to see a brand new student come in and effortlessly get through the class, making me question my progress. I do this every day—this was their very first time! How are they almost as good as me their very first time! I’ve been doing this 9 years! It’s great to see people’s different strengths and weaknesses.
Sometimes, when the instructor says, 'No water until after eagle pose,' it is met by stares of disbelief and even anger from the students. One time, I brought a friend of mine who attempted to leave the room during class.
One of my favorite things to do, and it’s totally a mental strength meditative thing that has evolved into quietly showing off, is when the first and only communal water break comes. And I do not move. I do not sip water. These days I don’t even bring water into the room. I try to keep perfectly still possible. Sometimes I think about those store performer guys and I think about how at that moment, my task is to remain as still as them. The class moves to and fro, wiping themselves with towels and sipping water, adjusting their clothing and hair, as I try to slow my breathing down to an invisible level, trying to slow my heart down.
Anyway, in this class, I did bring water. And it was the first time I didn’t drink water during class. Enjoying observing the struggles of new students in the class, not out of cruelty, but because it served as a reminder of how far I had come in my own practice. Seeing someone excel on their first try was also interesting, as it highlighted the different natural abilities people can have.
However, as class ended and we were dismissed, a sudden urge propelled me out the door, racing to the showers. But as I flew down the stairs, I tripped on my own sweat, the 64-ounce glass jar of water flying out of my hand and crashing down the stairs. I had fallen, grabbing the railing, and ended up breaking my pinky. I landed on some glass and my foot was bleeding. I got to the bottom and cried out, "Hey Angela! I broke some glass, I'm sorry." The teacher urgently told the entire class to not move, and a scene unfolded.
Before leaving, I spoke to Angela, the teacher, and said, "Also, this was the best class I'd ever had until then!" She responded, "Yes, it was." She had seen the progress in my practice. Despite the chaos I had caused, I had performed exceptionally well.
Just then, I heard a crash—"Andy!" Angela exclaimed, as the maintenance worker had slipped on the water and fallen into the broken glass. The teacher even asked if he needed her to call an ambulance, which was a very funny and imperfect moment. I could not possibly have felt worse.
Eventually, the chaos subsided, and as I left, she helped me while looking up something on my account file. I beamed with pride and said, "Oh, this is my first time here," She thought this was funny. "Luckily, I have had this teacher before though," I mentioned. The receptionist seemed amused by my enthusiasm, despite the incident. “Oh, and did I mention there were two of my cute co-worker friends there witnessing the whole affair?”
Well, I definitely got attention that day.
I had to pause my trial until my finger healed, but I became a regular at that studio. Seeing Andy daily was challenging, especially considering my desire to avoid his gaze. I felt awful but I tried to send him appreciative and apologetic energy. It was a tough situation to recover from though. I couldn't possibly be his favorite. I get it.
Today, I took a class with this yoga teacher for the first time since that day. I hadn’t seen her in years. The yoga studio I now go to has been bought by a studio she works at, so she’s now a regular teacher there. I reminded her of the story, and she didn’t even remember, which is an important lesson. I took class with her today, and it was very challenging and excellent. Some things are constant, feeling humiliated, usually is not.
Accumulation Art: Trash to Treasure
While I was incredibly aware of my impact on the environment, seeing the sheer volume of trash still gave me a new perspective and brand new awareness of the gravity of our waste problem. The story of a woman fitting five years' worth of waste into a tiny mason jar served as a wake-up call, prompting me to reassess my own consumption habits.
In confronting this reality, I couldn't help but scrutinize my own tendencies towards accumulation. As someone prone to obsession, I found myself accumulating items, particularly those I deemed essential. Take, for instance, my penchant for raw vegan protein bars, each wrapped in disposable packaging. Despite my dedication to these bars, I couldn't ignore the environmental cost of consuming them, both in terms of packaging waste and production resources. I haven’t used them to make anything , except the video below. But i will.
Similarly, my past as a habitual cannabis user left me with a surplus of joint roaches and discarded lighters. Rather than discard them, I began envisioning creative ways to repurpose these seemingly insignificant remnants. Thus, my accumulation art was born – a personal endeavor to transform waste into something meaningful or just something else.
In exploring this concept further, I stumbled upon the work of individuals like Dina Amin, who transform trash into awe-inspiring creations. Their innovative approach underscores the potential for change, reminding us that one person's trash can indeed be another's treasure. In and of itself, this awareness may be a noble result. She probably made countless others aware too, which is a great result. She could have pursued a conventional business reliant on plastic, but instead, she chose to promote sustainability, aiming to sell products that curb waste.
The same principle applies to other everyday items I've accumulated, such as fruit stickers, desiccants from seaweed packaging, and damaged iPhone cords. Each of these seemingly insignificant items serves as a reminder of our throwaway culture and the need for more sustainable alternatives. Here are a few below.
A taxi and a red car driving on grass below the sunny sky with concrete a pothole and the grass is in front
Ultimately, accumulation art offers a glimmer of hope amidst the environmental crisis we face. It's a tangible reminder of our capacity to reimagine our relationship with waste, to save and repurpose materials in ways that are both creative and sustainable. Perhaps, on a larger scale, this practice could serve as a blueprint for a more conscientious approach to consumption, one where waste is minimized and creativity flourishes.
As I continue to explore the possibilities of accumulation art, I'm reminded that even the smallest actions can make a difference. By reclaiming discarded materials and giving them new life, we not only reduce our environmental impact but also contribute to a more beautiful, resourceful, and most important sustainable world.
Spell Your Last Name for Me
The other day I was going to yoga, and I walked into my “home studio”.
My studio is being bought out by another, and so there are a lot of new teachers and staff there. I've taken this one new teacher's class three times in about a week. I have an advanced yoga practice with many impressive poses.
I noticed during class she would give compliments, adjustments, and feedback to the other yogis by name. "Great job, Melissa," or "Try evening out your hips, Audrey." "Beautiful, Michael." Though I never seemed to get any comments. At the end of class, she'd speak to me and tell me that one of my poses was beautiful.
Anyways, I digress. This particular morning going into the studio, she is working reception. This means she'll need to check students into class and rent them any towels, mats, water they may need. I get to the desk and she says, "How do you spell your last name?" I spell it for her, then say, "Is that your, what's your first name question?" "No," she responds. "Ehhh, I don't believe you, I think it is." By now she has typed in my last name. "Sherif," she says. "Yes," I respond.
I take yoga with a different teacher, and in the middle of class, I think, "Fuck!" When she said my name, I should have said, "Huh, no that's not me." That would have been amazing. Unfortunately, I only thought of this after the fact. She seemed a bit embarrassed about not remembering my name, and frankly, I didn't care one bit. So I didn't need to increase the "gotcha" moment and aggressively call her out, humiliating her in front of her co-worker doing reception.
After class, I shared my thoughts with the other receptionist who was still there. It was awkward and way too much.
Who knows who Fred is?
Anyways, I have often found myself in a position where I can't remember someone's name. But I really don't mind that at all - I actually think of it as an opportunity! If I remember the person and our interaction, but just don't know their name, I'll be super upfront about it. "Hey, I don't remember your name, but of course I remember you! We had a great conversation about seasonings the other day." I find that this builds trust and shows I'm able to be honest and vulnerable. Plus, it puts the blame on me, not them.
What I don't like is when I see someone, and not only do I not know their name, but I've completely forgotten where we met. I only know they seem familiar and I should know who they are. You know the type - they're always so enthusiastic to see me, and I'm just standing there thinking, "Huh, do I know you?" I smiled when the part about me not believing the teacher's question came up - I mean, the person clearly has a positive memory, association with me that I do not even remember. I just don't recall the whole encounter or where we met. In those cases, I just go with a friendly "Nice to see you!" It's better to say that to someone you're meeting, than to say "nice to meet you" to someone who's been your coworker for 8 months.
Climate Change, Yoga Sweat, Some Cool Bags.
Winter doesn't exist anymore. People think it does and complain, but it's nothing like it used to be. Back in the day, winter in New York City or Boston was brutal—a five-month ordeal of freezing temperatures. Stepping outside felt like a punishment. There were no unexpectedly warm days in January or February; we didn't even ask if it would be a cold week. The answer was always the same: "Yes, it's still February."
Anyway, I've digressed before even starting. Due to climate change, I strive to keep my consumption of unnecessary items to a minimum. Many of my friends label me as a minimalist, while my mom believes I take it to an extreme, forsaking material possessions. Neither of these notions applies to me. I have numerous desires in life, some material, but mostly intangible achievements that are more challenging to attain than a simple purchase.
Anyway, I should have just started by saying I'm very deliberate about what I buy. This applies to everything I physically consume, especially non-perishable material possessions. As a result, every purchase I make is meticulously thought out, sometimes to a fault. It takes me three to six months of research to select the perfect backpack. I've been deliberating over which camera to buy for seven months; given my work, it's akin to deciding on a vehicle purchase. Anyway, items that I use regularly or swear by have earned their place in my life through careful consideration. If I've purchased something, I've read numerous reviews and compared options online.
I love to sweat; it's a significant part of my life. I do hot yoga every day, and during a single class, I can sweat upwards of 8-9+ pounds on average. I know it sounds extreme—it's more than a gallon—but it happens every day. In fact, it's become one of those annoying things I find myself talking about often. So, I've made a rule for myself: if there's a fact or story I keep repeating, I shouldn't just keep telling it but rather turn it into content. This not only harnesses the energy I continuously loop through my life but also transforms it into a tangible product. Instead of repeating the same six sentences to my captive audience post-class in the yoga locker room, I can simply direct them to subscribe to my blog! That'll be more welcomed. "Hey, you had a great practice... Here's a link on how I deal with my sweating disorder and what bag I should buy." Also, what good is a life experience if it's not being potentially commodified into content?
Anyway, sweating and dealing with wet clothes became a major issue for me after yoga class. My towel would be absolutely soaked in sweat, even after wringing it out; it was heavy. I used to carry an unbelievably iconic beast of a backpack, the Chrome Ivan, which had a waterproof compartment ideal for keeping drinks cold. Surely, that capability would translate well to transporting soaking wet clothes. So, I lugged that behemoth daily to and from class. It was gigantic and often hindered me in social situations post-class. After seven years of this impractical solution and an unbelievable amount of wear and tear, I've finally integrated a more practical solution into my life.
I've purchased an incredible dry bag from a company called SeaLine. This bag, meant for boating activities, is typically found aboard boats carrying fishers or scuba divers protecting equipment from getting wet. However, I use it to transport my dirty yoga clothes and towels. This 5-liter bag can handle clothes from two classes and two towels. I roll it up, snap it shut, and confidently place it in a non-waterproof container. As my larger backpack began to wear out, I often found myself stopped by people on the subway, pointing to a huge wet spot on the disgustingly dirty floor. "Oh," I would respond without embarrassment, "That's just my sweat." Then, I would walk away, leaving them bewildered.
Anyway, I'm including photos of the bag that enabled me to blend in more convincingly among normal folk. Now, I can toss it into a smaller, more casual backpack designed for everyday activities, confident that it will keep my belongings dry. It comes in different sizes and colors. Below, I'll include some photos and a link for you to check it out. I gain nothing if you purchase this. I simply want people to have high-quality products in their lives and to consume only what they need—nothing low quality and nothing that doesn't substantially add to their lives. Be intentional about what you buy, make sure it brings you joy and do so sustainably!
Here is the bag unrolled.
This is how small the bag gets before it has anything inside of it. This is the size it is when transporting it to class.
Here is a view from a dream team. They rarely travel together anymore as the little guy does the trick. However the Ivan is a veteran player and about to retire in the hall of fame.
Cake Flips
I love cake flips. It's a trend I got into back in 2021 after stumbling upon a rather silly TikTok video. The video depicted people of all sorts attempting cake flips, some successfully, others not so much.
Cake flipping is exactly what it sounds like. You take a cake, whether it's on a plate, platter, or wherever it's being served, and you throw the whole thing into the air, aiming for it to rotate completely before hopefully catching it. Cake, with its association with effort, time, celebration, and joy, makes this activity all the more thrilling. After all, a dropped cake can instantly ruin the occasion. The risk-reward ratio is pretty awful - the risk being no cake or a spoiled party, and the reward being all the glory.
I made a personal vow to flip every cake I make. The first time I attempted this was when I prepared a raw vegan carrot cake for my friend Jess as a surprise for her birthday. She had recently gone vegan, and I wanted to celebrate her love for carrot cake while aligning with her new lifestyle. At the time, she was my roommate, and she walked into the apartment while I was putting the finishing touches on the cake. I quickly told her not to peek as I was up to something. Unaware, she obliged.
After presenting her with the cake, I told her that, unfortunately, the cake had to be flipped in front of her before we could enjoy it. "Hey, here's your present. Hope I'm not about to ruin it." What happened next will shock you!
Jess with her un-ruined cake.
Eating the flipped cake , ceremonially, late at night while projecting Seinfeld. Does anyone know the reference?
Friendsgiving Edition
My next flip was a very exciting one. It was at a Friendsgiving event which was a fingerfood potluck themed night. It was organized by my Philipina friend and everyone had to bring different dishes. I made three dishes all of them were raw. They were a tiramisu cake I made with my friend Em , dolmas with Tzasiki sauce made with Andreas, and a ramens soup made by Jules. Maybe, I’ll show you all the dishes some other time. Anyways, this was before the dessert portion of the evening. I was really pumped.
A secret was that I had a safety cake in the freezer for this particular event. I did not ned it, but I did it all of it by myself over the next week.
My next flip was a very exciting one. It happened at a Friendsgiving event with a finger food potluck theme, organized by my Filipina friend. Everyone was required to bring different dishes, and I contributed three raw dishes. I teamed up with my friend Em to make a tiramisu cake, prepared dolmas with Tzatziki sauce with Andreas, and cooked a ramen soup with Jules. Maybe I'll share the recipes with you another time.
Anyway, this happened before the dessert portion of the evening, and I was really pumped. There was a wonderful event I attended which I will write about in the future! It was a "Cake Show" where everyone had to bring their own cake! I made a watermelon cake, pictured below.... I didn't flip this cake, and I regret it every day.
Traditions used to mean something (unflipped cake).
Curb Your Enthusiasm. The Final Episode. End of an Era: My Complex Relationship & Series Finale Prediction
CAUTION: ARTICLE CONTAINS SEINFELD SPOILERS AND NON HUGE CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM PLOT DEVELOPMENTS
Comedy television isn't just a pastime for me; it's a journey intertwined with some of my loftiest aspirations. Seinfeld, a pioneering show nestled among the comedy classics, holds a peculiar charm that I'll delve into another day. But first, let's talk about the irony of stumbling upon a casual Netflix watcher who boasts of a newfound obsession with both Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
The Seinfeld Finale was a very special day in my life. When it originally aired on TV, I was not a huge Seinfeld fan, but I enjoyed it and watched it from time to time, particularly with my cousins. However, I didn’t really watch it with any degree of commitment. I was just dabbling. However, the finale, which I did not know was airing, was viewed by my whole family in the hospital room with my 1-day-old brother next to us. It was him, myself, my mom, and dad, all on a hospital bed, with my brother by our side in his little baby bed. This was an unbelievably iconic moment. My brother is turning 26 next month and will have to deal with his own health insurance things soon, and today, April 7th, 2024, Curb Your Enthusiasm ends. It has been a long time. Richard Lewis has died during this last season, a season which has jokes about his death and will in some of the series’ final episodes."
Pioneering the Digital Labyrinth
Now, picture this: while today’s casual viewers indulge in these comedic delights on a whim, my journey to acquire Seinfeld episodes was a digital odyssey. It involved navigating the wild and unpredictable realms of Kazaa and Limewire. These platforms weren't just tools; they were gateways to a treasure trove of sitcom gold.
In the digital labyrinth of peer-to-peer sharing, every username held a promise of discovery. One particularly memorable handle was TVguru818 - a veritable goldmine of Seinfeld episodes. Yet, for every TVguru818, there were countless others whose collections were as sparse as the barren wastelands of dial-up internet. Some of you have no idea what I’m talking about. Ok almost nobody does.
P2P sharing, for the uninitiated, was a revolutionary concept. It enabled users to directly exchange files with one another, bypassing the need for a central server. It was a democratic system, where users became both consumers and distributors of content.
Downloading a single episode could range from a mere overnight wait to a harrowing ordeal lasting weeks. It was a game of chance, with every click representing a gamble. And yet, the thrill of finally watching an elusive episode was unparalleled, a victory won through perseverance and sheer determination.
I vividly remember the ritual of waking up in the morning and immediately checking the computer to see which episodes, if any, had finished downloading overnight. It became a daily routine, a blend of anticipation and frustration as I waited for my digital bounty to materialize.
Five full months. That's how long it took me to complete my collection of Seinfeld episodes. Five months of late-night searches, interrupted downloads, and fleeting moments of triumph. But in the end, it was all worth it. The satisfaction of finally watching those episodes was unmatched, a testament to the power of comedy and the resilience of the human spirit.
Seinfeld, a pioneering show to a crazy degree, revolutionized the sitcom landscape in ways that are still felt today. It broke the mold, challenging conventions and paving the way for future comedies to follow. The Larry Sanders Show, another trailblazer of its time, would have been the Seinfeld of its era had they not been running simultaneously. (Check out the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee episode with Garry Shandling.) And check out every episode of Larry Sanders Show available on Max.
A screenshot of Limewire a peer-to peer networking software that I used to download Seinfeld episodes.
Pictured: User Interface of Netflix.
Oh you get to toggle Seasons and select whatever episode at the click of a button? Instantly? Must be tough to be such a hardcore fan.
The CD Binder Chronicles: Relics of a Bygone Era
Behold, the CD binder – a relic from a time when storage was measured in megabytes, not gigabytes. Within its plastic sleeves lie the fruits of my labor – every episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" painstakingly downloaded from the depths of the internet. It's a testament to the lengths we went to in pursuit of our favorite shows, a reminder of the days when streaming was but a distant dream.
I bought spindles of these blank CDs to burn media onto. “I have Binders full.” - Mitt Romney- Sherif Ahmed
The Complex Legacy of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm stand as pillars in the realm of comedy, yet my relationship with their creators, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, is far from straightforward. While I acknowledge their comedic prowess, I find them to be deeply flawed individuals. Their work has undeniably influenced my comedic sensibilities, but it's essential to recognize the despicable and deplorable aspects that lurk beneath the surface. This is particularly true when balancing my love for incredible Jewish humor with the substantial racism exhibited by Seinfeld, Curb, Larry, and Jerry.
Despite this, I love these shows and pride myself on being able to truly admire their strength while acknowledging their extremely problematic elements. Larry David, a television wizard, has taught me so much about using real life and the seemingly mundane to create humor. Jerry Seinfeld, an incredibly disciplined meticulous linguist, is masterful, and watching him perform stand-up live was like watching Michael Jordan play basketball.
The Inevitable End: Larry David's Final Act
I am publishing this mediocre blog post in a rush so I can get my timestamped prediction of the very obvious. In fact I will even be posting the photos after the fact because if I don’t, my prediction will not be published in time. Curb Your Enthusiasm will end with Larry in a jail cell. Several depictions on Curb your enthusiasm show Larry getting upset about accusations that the seinfeld finale was "botched" which he vehemently refutes. This all lead me to believe he will double down and end Curb Your Enthusiasm the same way. Doubling down on a hated concept is definitely Larry and definitely funny.
As we bid farewell to Curb Your Enthusiasm, it's a moment of reflection on the legacy of Larry David. His contributions to comedy are undeniable, yet the flaws in the show are apparent. The formulaic tendencies and lapses in quality control have not gone unnoticed, diminishing the legacy of what could have been a perfect show. While it may not be as much of a crowd pleaser as Seinfeld, given the cringe-worthy, incorrigible antics by Larry, these blemishes underscore the imperfect nature of Curb Your Enthusiasm, putting Seinfeld in a category of its own.
The aforementioned Larry Sanders Show. I’m leaving this right here. Read into it.
The Game of Perfection and how it led to sneaking out ; A crazy late night, 8th grade adventure.
This one time my friend and I were both trying to hook up with this one girl. We were little kids, literally in the 8th grade. We didn’t drive, or have bike available. Given that this was the suburbs , distances were vast in between houses. This particular lady lived 4 miles and change for me.
My friend was sleeping over at my house that night. After my parents went to sleep , he suggested we walk over to that lady’s house. I was not into the idea, despite being interested in the lady. First of all the mission felt futile. The distance was staggering. We (I) put the idea to rest for a brief moment.
We had been playing this game called Perfection, a game where you have to fit shapes into precise cut outs before the timer pops out all the shapes. It was a very frustrating game and we’d been failing at it.
My friend then says. If I beat the game this next round we will go to Emily’s house (fake name). Thinking that this was my out, I agreed. I’d alternated turns with my friend for about 15 minutes and nobody had won a round .
Of course, he instantly nailed it. He pumped his fists. Wow ok. Instantly I realized that it was our destiny to walk to this lady’s house.
It was so far. We departed late in the night and didn’t arrive to her house til 4:30. We called her repeatedly. She was a 15 year old girl at the time, and we were 14. None of us had any business socializing at this house. We called her cell phone relentlessly. At this time phones were dumb phones. I remember the flip phone model I was using when I repeatedly called and texted.
Eventually, she came out for about 1 minute to appease us. We left feeling incredibly stupid. We walked a little bit further end came to a church that was basically adjacent to her house. We laid down on the grass and slept for a few minutes . Then started to venture back. By this time it was daylight. After walking a couple more miles we passed our towns staple supermarket.
Donuts! My friend remarked. Yes, they had the best donuts. This was a great idea. We walk to the back of the establishment and we see where they are baking donuts. This is seen through the back parking lot and is in no way presented to the typical customer. The guys baking looked at us with a “what are you doing here, we’re not open and you’re staring into the back kitchen” kinda look.
“Donuts! “ My friend said, “we’re not ope, they communicate to us .
We then Go to the front of the grocery store. The automatic sliding door is locked. However, we can see some workers scattered throughout the store preparing for opening. It’s very early still. One employee walks to the automatic sliding door and looks at me and my friend. I can’t imagine what we must have looked like .
Anyways, she starts to say, we’re closed. Not missing a beat.. I say “We do the cheese here” . I have filmed myself below this gesture, exactly as I had.
As though “open sesame” had been uttered, she immediately grants us access and solidified “we do the cheese here” as an iconic phrase and gesture . We’re now in the closed supermarket. We walk around for a second and some guy working goes, “what the hell are you doing here!?”.
“We wanted Donuts.” My friend replies.
“Get the hell outta here we are closed .”
We then leave the store, a couple of miles away from our town. It’s about 530-6 am. We decided to stop a car snd see if they’ll drive us down the roads. We stop a car and it’s two of our friends! 2 young 13-14 year old girls were being driven back from the city.
They were being driven by two older teenagers driving an SUV. They’d returned from the city.
My friend and I were absolutely floored. At the sheer serendipity of it all. At the magnitude of what we were witnessing.
“Dave!? Sherif?” What are you doing out here?
I don’t remember what we said. But I don’t think it was, “Trying to hook up with Emily in the middle of an eight mile round trip walk initiated by a well executed round of Hasbro’s gaming classic perfection.”
I was initially thrilled that we stopped a car that had our friends in it. Surely we would be receiving a ride from these nice gentlemen driving underage girls at 530 am right!? wrong! Obviously, they sped of with techno music blaring.
When we arrived at home my dad was just waking up. You guys are awake already? He said. Yeah but we’re going to sleep. I replied, we went downstairs to the basement, unfolded the sofa bed, and entered a deep well-earned slumber.
This night didn’t end up the way we planned, but I’ll never forget it. And all of this happened because of a well played round Perfection!
How to get an expedited passport without having a flight .
Have you ever been in a position where you have needed an expedited passport for some reason? Passports can often take a very long time to process. I bet this process is even more unpredictable and length nowadays.
I have a great trick that I once utilized. In order to get an emergency and expedited passport, you actually need to have a scheduled flight. This obviously creates a necessity for the passport to be expedited. In order to prove to the passport agency that youre in fact flying, they will ask you for your printed out reservation.
A little known loophole around such a requirement is that many airlines will actually enable you to book a flight for 24 hours, without reserving . This can be done without a credit card. In other words, it’s very simple to receive a booking confirmation, print it out, then cancel the reservation. You will have a legitimate reservation on an airline which enables you to get an expedited passport:
This is helpful in instances when a passport application is pending through the mail, but an upcoming trip isn’t immediate.
I personally needed to do it for fear of what would happen if Donald Trump won the presidency . This was the tactic I used.
Farting in Yoga Class
Farting is a component of yoga class that sometimes happens. It’s a lot of stretching and movement of stomach and other organs. This often results in loud toots being heard. It is a very natural function and usually the holistic thinking cast of classes deals with it with the utmost maturity. Teachers sometimes immediately say “it’s very natural”. But usually this sentiment is felt without being addressed .
It’s never a big deal. One time however, it was a huge deal for me personally. It was quite early in my yoga career and I was in a very small class. The studio was tiny and there was probably between two and four other students. It was very intimate.
The teacher was this epically beautiful lady who I had a crush on. She was super graceful, stylish and was the first teacher I took yoga class with. It was amazing. She definitely saw potential in my consistency and rigor. This result in her regularly giving me adjustments to increase the depth of my stretching/ pose/ practice .
I used to love this as she would touch and alter my position. Obviously this was a very desired thing. However one time, When we were in malasana pose (squat pose , pictured below)
I let out a very silent but extremely deadly fart. This isn’t supposed to gross you out , but quite simply , there was not a sound but it was treacherous. I could feel the teachers presence behind me. As much as I tried to repel bed , I could tell her approach was inevitable. She came up behind me to adjust me. And upon a split second of physically adjusting me , she was attacked. Instantly, she was nowhere to be found having backed up quickly and instantly I was mortified but i was funny as hell.
I went home and told my girlfriend who laughed hysterically because we both shared our crush for this teacher. She absolutely loves the story. This was good.
I now know that bad food combining is largely responsible for gas. Whenever I’m gassy now it’s because I have broken the rules or food combining.
Malasana Pose.
A funny thing that happened on today’s customer service phone call (Bose)
Today , like many days, I was on a customer service Salk with a company. This time it was Bose. Bose is a company I’ve been a huge supporter and basically have belonged to their cult for quite some time. It may be second only to my loyalty to the legit cult apple. I believe beats by Dre are brilliant marketing , but the product, as a headphone, is trash , low quality and overpriced. It carries with it a prestige, and is a status symbol. It is however , not a good piece of audio equipment.
Instead, I prefer my Bose wireless headphones, which are not perfect headphones, but the quality is high. Thought the years I have owned about 5 pairs. This is due to loss, and some rough handling . Headphones are a frequently used and abused item in my life. They are used everyday for long stretches and have to withstand tumultuous routines that out a strain on them.
I am very impressed with the degree to which these headphones have stood the test of time.
Anyways I have digressed a lot. Today I was talking to this lady about an issue regarding a steak that I use to fasten my bose sound link speaker to my hike handle bars. This has always been a very impressive strap. It would flip with ease but was difficult to unfasten accidentally. At the same time, it was very easy to detach when you meant to. This strap created some major functionality for the speaker. I would use it primarily to hang from my shower curtain rod and around handlebars on my bike. This way my showers and bike rides always had music and podcast options .
I’d previously been told that the company couldn’t do anything about the damage. But I’m me, so after talking to an escalation specialist. I found out they would exchange the unit for one with an intact strap.
The tiny hilarious encounter that ensued is the whole reason I’m writing this blog.
There are a few other available colors sir. The customer service representative told me . “I’ll take the orange . Same one I have I say.”
“We have black and blue . “ she offers. “No I think I’ll stick with the orange one.” I insist. “To be honest sir I think the orange one is really ugly. “ I immediately laugh, because I definitely agree with her. “I love that you said that” I tell her. “You may not believe me, but I think this color is so ugly too, I tell her. “
I actually think it’s ugly, my friend actually generously gifted me this speaker. “I lost it, and I bought the same exact color to replace it.” .. “oh I understand , now .. “ she replies”
“yeah.. so I’ll take the color I hate to deceive my friend “ I reply. I had her laughing at this point. To be honest, it’s super ultra rare that I have a customer service call where the person doesn’t laugh a few times . It’s a goal of Mine, always. I often am shocked to see the polar extremities k can toggle during one customer service call. I can be relentlessly and tenaciously demanding of the corporation I’m calling, while humane and entertaining to the employee talking to me .
It’s a delicate balance but one I have excelled at. I feel that achieving this balance also yields very helpful result!
Whatever you do or seek to do, it’s possible to be firm but not cruel or rude. Do not curse or yell when trying to get something out of customer service representatives . Always remember they’re working a tough job, are just humans trying to eat and live, and they probably like to laugh a lot.
Thanks for reading! It means a lot to me!
Lady Gaga, her pets and attempted murder.
I love my dog so substantially . I miss him everyday as we have been far apart from one another for quite some time.
I do however want to comment on a disturbing thing I read. Lady Gaga’s had hired a dog walker , Ryan fisher , to walk her two bulldogs while she was filming Ridley Scott’s movie, Gucci.
The dog walker was shot in the chest four times and the dogs were stole the. Apparently , it was unclear if lady Gaga was a specific target or if the dogs had been taken because of their rarity and value . I just checked, and it is now clear that he is reading “extraordinary care and expected to make a full recovery. Prior to reading this update, the only thing yeah was consistory emphasized was that lady Gaga has publicly stated that if here dogs were returned there would be no questions asked.
Ok cool. I get this. If my dog was stolen I would certainly be desperate to be United with my family member. However, I was taken aback at the degree to which the dog walkers victim hood was thrown to the wind! No questions asked! The man was shot four times and shockingly is going to survive. It seems like a lot to bypass attempted murder simply because your pets are back. This guy obviously better be tipped in a life changing way. I do hope she is reunited with her dogs, but I think that sentiment is something to be examined. I too, would be devastated for
My dog’s absence and concerned about his whereabouts and safety, but it would strike me as entirely out of my jurisdiction if my hired dog walker was almost killed, and I publicly offered immunity . Seems like a lot.
One of the greatest comedy shows of all time.
I love talking about television. I love introducing people to television shows . It’s one of the questions I ask when getting to know someone. What kind of shows do you watch. This is also a question I ask when I’m trying to recommend shows.
I pride myself upon being able to take a short list of shows you have previously enjoyed, and recommending the optimal show for you.
I’m going to recommend to you all a classic comedy show which I believe to be one of the most underrated comedy shows of all Time. This show literally went 6 seasons and 90 episodes. An hbo show in the 90s. Some say Seinfeld overshadowed it, I’d have to agree to a degree. I do not put them as competing works given their vastly different natures. But Seinfeld got a lot of the focus that the then premium channel hbo could not assist The Larry Sanders show with.
I almost hesitate to recommend it as my first tv show recommendation because it’s not an easy one to walk into. I could recommend many shows that would be instant hits and easily understood and appreciated by the masses. I am a connesiur of comedy snd like to think that I can appreciate high to low brow forms .
I would however like to start with a comedy show, so shockingly underrated , given it’s unreal impact on the history and landscape of comedy television. There are so many shows that owe their format, soul and essence to this show. Many people are big fans of the descendant at comedy.
Larry Sanders show is an utter masterpiece. It is a show that chronicles the life of Larry Sanders, a late night tv show host. The show takes you on set, behind the scenes and into the personal life of the host. The show is brilliantly subtle, cynical, philosophical and unbelievably well written, cast, plotted. It is a masterpiece of a comedy show.
It’s tone is a little bit hard to get into as it is slower and more subtle than one may be accustom to. However the arc and character development that takes place is stunning. The list of guests who appear on the show is absolutely staggering and mind boggling. Not only in terms of quantity and quality, but also I’m regards to where each cameo-ing guest was at their point in their career. This show frequently takes iconic powerhouses and features them nonchalantly, at the peak of their fams and relevancy . Not only that, the show seemed to effortlessly give a genuine and authentic look at these guest stars in a way that revealed an entire new angle/ point of view of the star. I think this is relevant because it shows the extent to which these massive stars trusted Gary and gave him freedom to play with their often meticulously crafted brand reputations.
I’m going to write more in depth about the Larry Sanders show. I do want to warn you that this one should be looked at as a cumulative piece. Give it patience. I will recommend comedy show that hit from the very to, but this is one that will surprise, break rules, and make really artistic unique choices. This show is a masterpiece and Garry Shandling is an immense all time comedy legend. I am so honored to have been able to view his work.
One of my huge life regrets involves a Garry s handling opportunity that I hadn’t considered, but plagues me that I missed.
I’ll write on that more later too!
This blog, and why I’m doing it.
I’d like to write a few reasons out why I’m doing this blog. My daily entries my have gotten too daunting, too intricate. Or perhaps they haven’t and I’ve fallen behind and gotten Wimpy on the mental toughness and consistency that is required to maintain it.
My daily blog was inspired by Seth Godin who has been maintaining a daily blog for over a decade. The blog posts are simple, pithy and usually have some sort of moral.
I don’t read his blog and never have . I have however listened to many interviews snd podcasts by him. I’m inspired by his methodology and his emphasis on “shipping it” what this means is doing your work and putting it out. Similar to a ship departing out the terminology we used when a package goes into distribution . When we order a gadget, item, product whatever, it is useless unless we ship it.
I started this blog because my online persona is so different than who I believe myself to be and who I aspire to be.
I have fallen behind on my goal of doing a daily blog. I’m going to do a combo of scaling back the length and intricacy of my posts. While also reving up my commitment to consistency.
The purpose of this blog was as follows
develop a consistent writing practice
Express myself
Strength my writing brain muscles
Capturing some of my chaotic energy into something tangible
Have a record of claims I make for the future
Force me to take stands publicly on positions
Hopefully parlay an eventual readership into watching comedy content I create
Teaching people things I am consistently talking about in person, anything I find myself repeating consistently I shall try to feature here.
Inspiring brilliant writers I know who are far wiser, whose writing is more in need in this world , to publish their works (Michael Sladnick and Ginan Rauf!)
Take little bits and pieces of writing I produce here and turn them into larger themes , bits or employment opportunities. The Kobe Bryant entry, could easily be a book, and I think it should. I hope to write some stand up comedy bits and small performances out of other posts I’ve made.
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Thanks for reading, this one, and any others. It means a lot to me. I’m really committed to expanding behind my comfort this year and creating. Your readership, even your potential readership, means so much to me! Thank you!
Mango Moment!
Today’s story is a simple one. I was eating mangoes in the street in public like they were apples. I’d just bought 13 of them from the super market. I’m walking through the heart of south Miami Beach and some guy leans out of the passenger window of the car. “Yo where you get those mangoes” he asks. Trader Joe’s. I respond. Oh Trader Joe’s oh ok, I knew this was a disappointing answer because it wasn’t nearby and probably had a twenty five minute line to get into the store, as usual. So I took a few more steps and then I though wait! So I fished in my bag, grabbed a mango, and throw it , probably the 8 feet away. The throw wasn’t great, it was good, but the gentleman had to lean outside the car and outstretched his arm. He made the catch. It felt glorious. “What’re you Tom Brady? “ he tried to flatter me with. “Nah that catch was all you that throw was even that good!” I yell at his car as it drives off.
I love moments like these so much. This made my day .
Mango toss. I couldn’t find any images of a mango being thrown to someone in an automobile. I’m glad.
Get Free food of your choosing ! TODAY !
Food can be really expensive, hard to access and distributed through systems designed to be inequitable and unaffordable ..
There are so many injustices in regards to food! Affordability being a huge one, as well as quality and density of processed foods.
I have a trick that can enable people to get free food, today, in their local city. This trick applies more To those who Live in metropolitan areas. The trick involves seamless/ grub hub and perhaps some other food delivery apps.
This is in no way a good solution, just potentially helpful, systemic solutions need to be enacted to radically alter the food landscape not just in this country but globally. The amount of food that gets thrown out, and number of people without access in the name of profit is a crime against humanity. Ok now back to some free food tips…
A lot People are very Aware that the first time you use a technology based app, they will incentivize you to join by giving you a feee and generous referral credit.
While this is a great tool, this isn’t what I’m referring to. What I’m referring to is available to existing customers, as well as customers without a credit card.
This is an important distinction that enables this tactic to be used be unhoused folk with internet access or smart phones.
The trick involves looking at local restaurants. There are lots of restaurants that offer deals to first time visitors in order to gain traffic. These deals are sometimes
Discounts on orders that have a minimum requirement. For instance you may receive a 5 dollar discount for 12 dollar orders . This , while helpful, requires you to have 7 dollars, and coaxes you into spending money at the business. This can be very helpful. But you can actually get straight up free food!
What’s amazing about this video, is that there are so many restaurant options to select from. Side dishes are optimal because they are usually cheap enough to be under the “perk” credit . Here I actually order 3 side dishes. I opt for the larger 4oz guacamole and get two servings of Pico de Gallo. I could have gotten a cheese quesadilla for free. A number of burritos would have been available to me for under two dollars as well, not free but certainly some considerable bang for your buck. This place is good too!
This meal, is entirely raw vegan, which is a particularly expensive subset of an already notoriously pricey diet . (I’d like to address true market costs and the massive collective costs of other styles of diets in figure posts, but that’s another story! )
Below is a screenshot of the order with my real telephone number!
The final screen before placing an order. My real phone number .
It’s important to note! That I selected tip in cash/ aka zero. If you can afford to tip your food service workers, you absolutely positively should! Every time, even for a pick up order. If you cannot, and need to maximize the value of this trick, that’s another story feel no judgment!
Data
Ok so of course nothing in life is totally free. Not even this trick that lets you walk into a restaurant, exchange no money, and walk out with food. They have your data, name , info, up address. These are not valueless! They also have an entry into addicting tho to their cuisine! All things to note!
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thank you so much for reading. I love providing consumer tips that enable massive value and I love tips about food so this was an intersection of love for me! More on both topics. Thanks for reading please leave a comment!
The craziest “RIDE SHARING APP” Ride of my life (to the airport)
ALL STORIES DEPICTED, NO MATTER HOW FACTUAL THEY MAY BE, ARE ABSOLUTELY FICTIOUS! WINK THANK YOU SOUTH PARK
OK so here’s a true story. ! Don’t listen to that warning up there.
We always warn me to leave early because I’m recklessly last minute to an absolutely stupid degree.
We are kind of opposites. My mom is overly anxious to leave because of her natural tendency to lean towards late like me. Therefore she has overcorrected. So naturally, airport trips would be problematic, with her trying to stay on the earlier side of 3 hours, for a domestic flight. I kid, a little.
Anyways this particular trip I was leaving for a solo mission. It was also an extremely early flight, take off was 7 am, boarding was from 625-645 am. I have a bag to check, which I haven’t checked yet online. Given the exploitative nature of airlines nowadays, every bag is charged, so there is a process as well as an added fee that accompanies my last-minute decision to spill into a checked bag.
Carrying on everything is absolutely the move. This time I was unable to pull it off. “Meet the Parents” exemplifies that better than any other thing I can think of. Dude’s life was destroyed because he couldn’t carry on.
Anyways, this non-checked bag created a need for me to be extra early.
Insert Uber/ Lyft/ VIA/ ETC for every time it says RIDESHARING APP. This is to protect their identity but I also Like that I’m not advertising in a way that’s so subconsciously successful.
Enter The craziest RIDE SHARING APP driver I’ve ever encountered, and perhaps the craziest RIDE SHARING APP ride of my life ... which definitely has some competition as my energy has the tendency to put lunatics at ease. As soon as I enter the car I acknowledge the aggressive marijuana stench that walked in with me.
“Hey I wreak of weed, but I don’t have anything on me, we’re going to the airport... I tell him.”. I don’t give a shit man... I got some spray for you.” He says. “No, I don’t want it” I reply. He now had a blank check to be crazy. And he wrote himself a very fat check.
I Explain to him the time situation as well as my schedule. Usually, my lateness is due to a lack of preparation, not this time, this time I was unable to get a RIDE SHARING APP driver to my house for the longest time! It took me over an hour! There was a glitch that created a perfect storm of misinformation as well.
He assures me. “We got this.” No worries.
At that point the Eta is 548 arrival at the airport boarding is from 625-645. This is a narrow window.
He knows I’m in a rush due to the RIDE SHARING APP glitch.
The driver misses the very first turn. We were going straight, and in a non-pressure situation, with an hour left on the trip, he misses the very first turn. Instead of whipping a quick U-turn. it adds 3 minutes, at that point, we had a buffer of 11 minutes . Down to 8, mere minutes into the ride.
Ok... I’m comfortable though with a diminished buffer. We are still good.
So I love talking to RIDE SHARING APP drivers. This morning I wasn’t really feeling it. I mentally decided I’d not talk much.
This was no option. First of all this guy was loony. Insane. He was telling me so many amazing stories. He had no shortage of exciting and laughable bits. Soon it became clear that he was the crazier one in the car, a situation I don’t encounter too often!
The guy is telling crazy stories that turn into mildly dangerous stories.
He takes a slow way and is driving extremely slow in a way where he’s enjoying the convo, just chilling. I recognize this from when my mom is enjoying my conversation and doesn’t want the ride to end. She’ll do 18 in a 25.
So I’m in a huge rush and He is doing below the speed limit at all times. At one point I mention, hey can you do the speed limit and he responds telling me if you get pulled over it’s over. He is right, but he won’t get pulled over for doing more than 5-7 below the speed limit.
Later he describes a car accident and getting out and beating the shit out the guy.
He then starts talking about a girl with a crazy knife story ...He tells me this accident he was in three weeks ago.
I’m getting really excited because I can see that he has an audio and video recording of the whole ride. Yo! Are you recording all this? I say to him? He says yes! I get excited because I’m a content whore. I know that this ride is just getting started in terms of its crazy level. I can feel myself egging the guy on.
He continues telling me stories that involve crazy components and he also is starting to drive a little crazy.
I feel safe the whole entire time.
This was an energy I was familiar with, I don’t know where I encountered it before. But I’d been with someone like this. Completely reckless, but I felt so safe. I used to say Egypt was so chaotic and dangerous that it feels safe. And this was kind of like that.
At one point, my favorite point in the ride, my driver started showing me photos of the aforementioned car accident, while driving on the highway. It was incredible.
At this point, I’m whipping out my phone and trying to subtly record. This is fucking gold, I’m not even mad or worried, I just want this documented. This is amazing,
I rest assured because the whole ride is on video.
However, I see the driver see me and pull back on his showing me his latest car crash. This creates a small worry in me that this guy not gonna give me this footage .
I ask him, dude we gotta do something with this conversation, he evaded my question a little bit. But I know I’m gonna get him ...
Flash forward a bit later, we’ve Made several wrong turns. Almost every turn was missed or made incorrectly.
The time is tight tight tight. I download the JetBlue app. I have to check-in while in the vehicle. The arrival time is dangerously close to the boarding window, and I have that unchecked bag. You can also check a bag in the app. The latest you can check a bag on the app is 45 minutes before takeoff. I am fumbling for my new debit card because the last one had to be canceled automatically. I don’t know my new number by heart. it’s deep in the bag, it’s 46 minutes before takeoff. I literally get it done at the very last minute. Kobe!
Regarding the aforementioned speeding. Hilariously, Waze Informed us cops were ahead, at this point we are going slowly. As soon as the cop icon is near us on the app. he hit 83 miles in a 55, accelerating exclusively after hearing cops were ahead! The highest speed achieved and the greatest level of urgency exhibited, was when our app informed us a cop was there.
Luckily we didn’t get pulled over and I saw no cop.
We are at the airport still in the car. The terminal is a terribly designed maze with bad signage. That being said, I can’t believe what’s happening.
My driver is going the wrong way the whole time, every turn, and acting like it’s some weird glitch. The time jumps from 3 minutes to 9. He speeds incredibly to make up for the errors. We can’t avoid a massive detour. He misses the turn again.
Then when we have ZERO time to waste, we arrive at a sign that says Newark airport LEFT <——- NY THRUWAY right ———> t. He literally gets on the NY thruway!
Dude what?
Realizing what had happened he immediately says “Oh you’re fucked”.
I’m now mentally accounting for the difference between my now, absolutely free RIDE SHARING APP ride and the cost of buying a new plane ticket. Despite this fact and being so bewilderingly confused and in awe of what had happened. I couldn’t help remark at his exceptional comedic delivery. It was absolutely impeachable.
I’ve made a YouTube video of me doing an impression of this moment. A+ comedic delivery,
He literally goes “oh you’re fucked “ LOL!
Anyways, we’re still speeding towards the airport. 13 minutes have been added. He’s now telling me to have my documentation out, license out, you gotta be prepared he correctly and “on-pointly” barks, haha.
We somehow arrive at the airport. We exchange info and I urge him to send me the video so I can make it into something. He says HELL YEAH at this point, the momentum, and energy of this ride, completely undeniable. We arrive at the airport and the time is 626 boardings started 1 minute ago!
I arrive and am running immediately I run to the front desk and there is no line and say “I need to check this bag. for the 702 am flight”
The lady working at the airline says “ Oh it’s over with her face,” “ I checked it in on the app” I exclaim “you did!?” She responds in shock.
“Yes!” “Check it at the gate! “ she yells towards my already running body. Again My arrival time at the airport was 626 boarding started at 625.
I’m sprinting through the airport with my luggage. I would love to content whore film my sweating frantic self missing or making the plane. Either way, great content, but I was running so late I couldn’t even film that.
I arrive at the line and my row had already boarded, so I walked on the plane immediately. I didn’t get my stupid doing yoga at the airport shots though. But it was a delightful ride. I sat down and I immediately texted the craziest driver I’d ever encountered. Here is a transcript of our texts. He has since backtracked on his willingness to upload the content and give it to me. I’m still convincing him. he’s going to be the first person I send this blog post to . I’m hoping I can get it. Maybe a podcast appearance or something. I’m gonna make something happen.
Now…Imagine I’d been 3 hours early!
Check out these text threads and the video on my doing an impression of him. I inserted One decoy image so the thumbnail link wasn’t a spoiler.
Message 1. Sent to driver just after Boarding. The video is incredible. it is on the very bottom!
Message 2 Sent After Boarding with the bottom portion coming about 9 days later.
This was the third message. I sent him this 16 days after the last. 7 days ago. I am now about to send him the link to this article. I will update accordingly if it’s worthwhile Otherwise, we done here. and if its you….. (YO LEMME GET THAT VIDEO!?)
PS THE FLIGHT.
I got on the plane. Asleep before takeoff, asleep through landing. The lovely ladies next to me said “What a quick short flight.” and I said “What flight” They laughed at my corny stupid joke. It’s all i said the whole flight 1/1. I haven’t spoken since. *
AFTERMATH, POST FLIGHT, MY FRIEND
Post-flight, my friend and I discussed this story. He told me that this guy’s energy reminded him of Ted Pizza, a legend, who he had never met! He had only heard stories of him. He was absolutely correct. I will be writing about Ted Pizza soon! This guy had Ted Pizza energy for sure. I’m excited to write about that legend as well.
* (least believeable lie ever)
Thanks for reading ya’ll!
A spaghetti bolognese replacement (recipe!)
An easy replacement for spaghetti bolognese .
This is a raw dish, that is mostly comprised of fruit !
Zucchini is a fruit
Get yourself a spiralizer ! It will do wonders for enabling you to consume pasta like dishes but will Enable you to be eating fruits and easily digestible fibrous materials.
Gluten, wheat and starch can act as an adhesive, slowing down the digestive process.
Cheese and pesto components not included in recipe yet…You’re gonna have to keep reading this blog or check out my food content coming out for that! Enjoy your marinara sauce tho!
Therefore this is a great recipe to use to satisfy your pasta cravings.
A great spiralizer I’ve used is made by a company called oxo .
They are a brand that makes Both a handheld spiralizeder good for spiralizing on the go or while traveling. This unit fits in a drawer . The other unit you will have to store in the cabinet but it is much faster and has a crank . This countertop one is faster and doesn’t give your forearms a workout like the other one. The handheld one is a legit workout!
Here’s a photo!
Ok so !
What you’ll need :
Noodles
1-3 Zucchini’s (I don’t know how Much. Play around),
how much pasta do you want to eat!? I usually eat 1-3 medium to large ones depending on my hunger level and how Much other foods I’m eating that day
Sauce
2 fresh medium tomatoes (good place to use bruised but still good tomatoes )
-most of a small white onion
-1/2 lemon, juiced (maybe more but stir in at end)
-1/2 tsp garlic powder
- 3 dates without pits (medjool is ideal)
-1/3 a cup of sundried tomatoes
-1/2 red bell pepper
-1 clove garlic
-1/3 cup basil
- 2 TBSP dried or fresh oregano
-1 tsp apple cider vinegar
- 1/4 TBSP black pepper
-1/2 TBSP chipotle powder
Instructions :
To make the pasta: Spiralize 1-3 medium to large sized zucchini’s. The quantity depends on the amount of pasta you’d like to eat.
if you don’t have access to a spiralize , You can cut the zucchini into lengthwise sliced pieces and then cut as thinly as possible down the length of the zucchini in order creating a thing noodle. Store in bowl tuntil you make the sauce.
To make the sauce : Put everything in a blender with the most water intensive ingredients on the bottom . Do not over blend or it may get too watery . Add any lemon quantity over 1/2 the lemon at the end and stir in. Put water in at the end in slow amounts so as to not make it too watery. Water should be added according to desired sauce chunkiness level. Less water leads to a chunkier sauce. Do not over lend either or the tomatoes can liquify creating more watery size. You can also play with tomato quantity to create thicker or more watery sauces!
To eat : serve the pasta with the desired amount of sauce on top. You can use a nut based cheese or nutritional yeast as a cheesy topping. More meaty toppings would be Walnut meat and Mushrooms which I will write a blog post about before next week!
I’ll write about these topping and the many options for them for now . I’ll add them in on the update on the bottom but I have a lot to say about these two toppings! So they’ll get their own post next week first . til then long story short. You can marinade mushrooms and use as toppings. And you can make meat by blending sun dried tomatoes and or mushrooms wirh walnuts and Ali ing in a verity od ways given what cuisine type Youd like to Emulate
Storage : the sauce should be good for 3-5 days in the fridge depending
the zucchini noodles will dry out so beat to eat fresh or within 1-3 days. Monitor all Stored Ingredients and taste test slowly after smelling if on the fence. See how you feel some Time after a small taste
This dish is made of mostly fruits(all basically), is low fat, vegan ,plant based, raw, gluten free and has no oil and salt. Though you may add some salt if you need it. I’d recommend celery salt if you must!
This makes it a good meal for those struggling with a whole range of issues!
thanks for reading and let me know if you have questions on this recipe or anything else you’d like to know!
it is a desire of mine to make these things more accessible, understandable , less alienating to a wider range of people ! So please reach out
UPDATE: insert toppings ingredients here!
Rush Limbaugh is dead 🎉 !
For the record! I am thrilled that Rush Limbaugh has died. Thrilled!
I remember listening to Rush Limbaugh in the car with my mom as a young child as she explained to me the immense reach and impact of his vitriol.
When I asked why she’s listening to such a terrible person. She told me it’s important to listen to him to know what “people like him are saying and listening to”
In moderation, this can be true. You don’t wanna drive up ratings, but you don’t want to be in an echo chamber, ignorant of what’s being said and what tactics are being deployed. “Studying your enemy” can teach you a lot about tactics, networks, and strategies. All of which are likely to be deployed against your community.
He was the first villain I’d known about in my life.
When reading his name in the headline today, I hoped that his death would be the news. Any other mention would have been dangerous and a problem. Normally, no matter how much I disagree with someone, I fight any urge to feel joy at death. It feels like it can be quite corrosive.
But this was different.
He’s a genocidal racist piece of shit who spread hate with astonishing reach and success.
When someone dies who stands for and creates hate violence and oppression, it is a good thing.
the lessening of a bad thing is a good thing. Fundamentally.
This man was a symbol of white supremacist violence and genocidal anger. It’s good this symbol has died. His whole brand was hate and oppression.
The impact of his evil is difficult to measure but immense. This is in regards to his political influence and the hatred fueled and created in the name of white supremacy. This was only elevated when 45 was President. Another one I’d love to see go.
It was a knife in my heart when Rush Limbaugh was given the highest award this country grants.
It makes a lot of sense that a white supremacist superstar would be rewarded by our government in this fashion with peak red white and blue honors.
He was too racist to work as a sportscaster for ESPN (they fired his ass) so naturally, our country comes through giving him a Presidential medal of Freedom. That sounds about white.
His receiving the award should have caused a flurry of previous winners denouncing their award.
It’s important to note that there are a new brand of extremists, and genocidal fascists being created right now, just like him and some more dangerous even.
It is a great day that he’s gone. We must fight any trace of positivity in his legacy of evil and violence.
And fight all those who seek to perpetuate the vicious world this man spent his life trying to create.
Good riddance you piece of shit.
I’d like to end by commemorating one of my favorite Rush Limbaugh memories which was when he was arrested for committing fraud so he could obtain narcotics. This was delicious because he for many years, vilified drug users in minority and lower-income communities. But in the end, he was a hypocritical racist drug addict fraud.
Rush Limbaugh’s mugshot for his being arrested for fraud.
Uber precision pick-ups.
Today, when heading to yoga class I was late, per usual. The doors to the studio lock at the exact start time and I’d prepaid. So this was a serious issue and I had to make it to class.
I’d already been deluded enough to think I’d take a nice leisurely walk to class.
I distracted myself and it became a bus ride. I Distracted myself a little more and I now had to take a uber.
The estimated arrival time for the uber was 9:03 and class started at 9. Already I had to call the studio to ask about their grave period policy. This is always bad.
No answer.
I texted the driver and said. I’m so sorry I’m on a tight deadline I’m getting on the right side of the road, I’ll be waiting. It will be more convenient for you not less.
Ok. He says.
A few moments later his car barely comes to a stop at the side of CVS and I quickly hop in
The eta is shaved by 4 minutes. 8:59
“You see that! “ I remark, as my opening words. They weren’t expecting that level of precision pickup. Look at that shaved time. He laughs but it is seemed like a generous and mostly undeserved polite laugh.
“I usually don’t do precision picks-ups like that. “
Then I tell him that
Typically...
“I’m usually an asshole. Blazing in my room till the very last Second and being distracted. All before realizing I’d need my keys for this outing and I don’t know where they are. All the while being bad at time management. Then eventually having to text my driver sorry I’ll be down in one minute.
Now he laughs a bit more genuinely.
“It sucks, I hate that I do that . it’s really bad. Wouldn’t it be way better if everyone you picked up behaved like I just did. And that’s never me I’m so bad “. I emphasized
He says yeah and suddenly I’m struck with an idea. What if uber incentivized customers to make quick and precise vehicle entries, positioning themselves on the correct side of the road.
I was so satisfied with this thought. Yes!
It checked out! Customers would have a score or so, and it would make the lives of the drivers easier and more efficient. This means, that uber would stand to make more money. So they’d not object. If they did object, losing money would be the reason.
Therefore I don’t see why they wouldn’t want to opt for this option.
I decided I was going to write a blog post on this matter.
I told My uber driver snd told him I’d love to send it.
When getting his email Autocorrect changed his name fifty-five times as I typed it. So I had to keep asking about the spelling of his name.
I thought it was funny that I said I’d send him a blog post, and now couldn’t spell his name in under a minute.
We made it on time. I confirmed the email address.
Then I darted into yoga at 859. I was very excited to see my teacher. I felt the feeling was mutual.
Anyhow! During class, I began to think about precision uber pickups. “Aummm” what if they gamified the pick-ups!?
Oh wait, didn’t they have a feature where you could take a short walk for a reduced fee or price? Yes. I thought to myself. They did.
However, these walks took you considerably away from the pickup location, which could help give the one-way streets and traffic flow of cities. But they were rather inconvenient.
But there hadn’t really been an element by which users were rated for the promptness and precision of their pick-ups.
This really would make drivers’ lives much easier. There is so much incompetence and meet-up confusion that takes place in ride-share apps.
While the monetization incentive efforts may have failed, I feel that a gamification aspect that gives users a “readiness score” could be successful.
This may create a strain on entitled customers who would complain, thus causing the ride-sharing company problems and headaches.
I really wish they would work on a way to infrastructural benefit the drivers.
I also wonder about the dangerous slope of having customers need to act quickly and Uber’s role in placing excessive demands On both customers and employees alike in the name of profit maximization
I know I often feel quite rushed these days at cash registers when packing my bags post-purchase. You can feel the heightened concern for time, flow, and profit margins.
This could be an inadvertent effect of readiness scores. But as it is, uber drivers face a really difficult time. They have to wait a lot, deal with slashed wages and the pandemic has created a multitude of complications and expenses. I guess really them being paid a fair wage is the best thing that could happen to mitigate the pain of waiting.
Time is money, but if you’re not so stressed about money all the time, the wait time doesn’t feel as slow and brutal. Rushing to get to the next dollar causes stress and anxiety.
All that being said, my goal is to work on time management and not put people in a position where they have to wait for me or rush for me. These are stressful energies that are created as a result of my poor planning or inability to transition well.
These are skills that I need to develop and plan to.
Thanks so much for your readership. I really appreciate all of you.